A Suicide Note

I sit here motionless and am gasping for air. I can feel the trembling of every fiber of my flesh. My heart is palpitating so fast and I fear that it will stop beating anytime soon. Memories of the past, realities of the present, and visions of the future are flashing inside my head, thoughts moving randomly like restless molecules, creating a dangerous whirlpool of emotions.

God knows how much effort I am exerting right now to think clearly so I can find the right words to describe how I feel. I need to do this. And I need to do this now. Otherwise, I will just be prolonging the agony and will never have the sanity to know when and how to start all over again.

Today I made a pact with myself. I want to live. I need to live. I deserve to live. And for me to live, I need to die. And so today, I am committing suicide.

I am leaving and it’s not easy. You have been so much a part of me. You’ve become the air that I breathe, my sunshine every morning, my dose of laughter, my shoulder to cry on, my moonlight every night. I know I should have left a long time ago because I was aware that eventually, I will just get wounded. But everything that we have and share is just too beautiful that it’s worth embracing and nurturing and keeping. So I took the risk. I took the plunge. Everybody thought I was committing suicide.

I proved them wrong. I did not commit suicide when I decided to love you. I did not die. In fact, I started to live again. For the longest time I’ve been a zombie, a robot. Suddenly I felt blood rushing through my veins again. I was breathing again and dancing and jumping and singing. I felt alive!

But today I am committing suicide because I am ending this beautiful episode myself. I am jumping out of this aquarium to go back to my ocean. I just hope I’ll make it on time – that I will reach the shore before I run out of air.

I am so sorry for ending my life with you. I have to do this now because I do not want you to be the one to kill me later on. I know you do not have any intention of hurting or harming me because I know you love me. So give me the right and privilege of not sullying your hands with my tears. I cannot allow you to be the felon. That is how much I love you.

When I’m gone, don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t feel sorry for me. Always remember that I will forever hold in my heart the precious moments we shared. Don’t feel guilty. Just continue to love me in the way you can, in the way you know how. Continue to live your life to the fullest. Go spread your wings and fulfill your dreams.

Finally, let it be known that I did not expect anything from you, but I did hope for us everything that’s good and great.

I need to die so I may continue to live…
But it is so hard to say goodbye…

We didn’t make forever
We’ve each got to go our separate ways
And now we’re standing here helpless
Looking for something to say

We’ve been together a long time
We never thought it would end
We were always so close to each other
We were always not afraid

And it’s hard to say goodbye my love
It’s hard to see you cry my love
Hard to open up that door
When you’re not sure what you’re going for

We didn’t want this to happen
But we shouldn’t feel sad
We had a good life together
Just remember all the times we had

You know I’ll always love you
You know I’ll always care
And no matter how far I may go
In my heart you will always be there

And it’s hard to say goodbye my love
It’s hard to see you cry my love
Hard to open up that door
When you’re not sure what you’re going for
But we’ve got to grow, we’ve got to try
Though it’s hard, so hard,
We’ve got to say goodbye

We didn’t make forever
But I will always love you
It’s so hard, it’s so hard to say goodbye.