I am Changing

Look at me, look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you.
I need a hand…

I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
And I wanna start right now right here
I am hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand.

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
And how many dark night have I known?
Walkin’ down that old road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Who make a person blind
But now I can see…

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend to help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
Coz this time I will
This time I am….

I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know I have
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make it and nothing’s gonna stop me now!

A Suicide Note

I sit here motionless and am gasping for air. I can feel the trembling of every fiber of my flesh. My heart is palpitating so fast and I fear that it will stop beating anytime soon. Memories of the past, realities of the present, and visions of the future are flashing inside my head, thoughts moving randomly like restless molecules, creating a dangerous whirlpool of emotions.

God knows how much effort I am exerting right now to think clearly so I can find the right words to describe how I feel. I need to do this. And I need to do this now. Otherwise, I will just be prolonging the agony and will never have the sanity to know when and how to start all over again.

Today I made a pact with myself. I want to live. I need to live. I deserve to live. And for me to live, I need to die. And so today, I am committing suicide.

I am leaving and it’s not easy. You have been so much a part of me. You’ve become the air that I breathe, my sunshine every morning, my dose of laughter, my shoulder to cry on, my moonlight every night. I know I should have left a long time ago because I was aware that eventually, I will just get wounded. But everything that we have and share is just too beautiful that it’s worth embracing and nurturing and keeping. So I took the risk. I took the plunge. Everybody thought I was committing suicide.

I proved them wrong. I did not commit suicide when I decided to love you. I did not die. In fact, I started to live again. For the longest time I’ve been a zombie, a robot. Suddenly I felt blood rushing through my veins again. I was breathing again and dancing and jumping and singing. I felt alive!

But today I am committing suicide because I am ending this beautiful episode myself. I am jumping out of this aquarium to go back to my ocean. I just hope I’ll make it on time – that I will reach the shore before I run out of air.

I am so sorry for ending my life with you. I have to do this now because I do not want you to be the one to kill me later on. I know you do not have any intention of hurting or harming me because I know you love me. So give me the right and privilege of not sullying your hands with my tears. I cannot allow you to be the felon. That is how much I love you.

When I’m gone, don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t feel sorry for me. Always remember that I will forever hold in my heart the precious moments we shared. Don’t feel guilty. Just continue to love me in the way you can, in the way you know how. Continue to live your life to the fullest. Go spread your wings and fulfill your dreams.

Finally, let it be known that I did not expect anything from you, but I did hope for us everything that’s good and great.

I need to die so I may continue to live…
But it is so hard to say goodbye…

We didn’t make forever
We’ve each got to go our separate ways
And now we’re standing here helpless
Looking for something to say

We’ve been together a long time
We never thought it would end
We were always so close to each other
We were always not afraid

And it’s hard to say goodbye my love
It’s hard to see you cry my love
Hard to open up that door
When you’re not sure what you’re going for

We didn’t want this to happen
But we shouldn’t feel sad
We had a good life together
Just remember all the times we had

You know I’ll always love you
You know I’ll always care
And no matter how far I may go
In my heart you will always be there

And it’s hard to say goodbye my love
It’s hard to see you cry my love
Hard to open up that door
When you’re not sure what you’re going for
But we’ve got to grow, we’ve got to try
Though it’s hard, so hard,
We’ve got to say goodbye

We didn’t make forever
But I will always love you
It’s so hard, it’s so hard to say goodbye.

And the universe responded...

I need healing.

I am stuck in mud and resisting my own evolution.

I am being guided into the dragon's cave to replenish my energy.

I know that the light is shining on my magical knowledge.

But I need a warrior to help me in my battle.

through riddles

I need an adventure.

My quest consumes me and decides my fate.

I need healing so I may heal.

I am evolving on a magical level.

I need an ally with a spirit that shines, to cast away the darkness.

and puzzles

I need to go with the flow.

I am guided by the moon.

And using the lunar energy, I have have the ability now

of sowing awareness in others about magic. Magic in many forms. Wisdom. Laughter. Music. Love.

But I am failing to relay a vital message.

My best ally now is someone who can nurture me.

that only time and cosmic energy can decipher.

The Two of Wands

My power today lies in attraction.

I have a vested interest...

or am committed to sharing my vision, ideals, or game plan

in order to make

a connection.

I am willing to step up

because it takes two

and I can't win if I don't play.

Anything is POSSIBLE.

I am empowered by the passion of my own potential

and I transform through self-discipline.

I am a single fish and welcome to my ocean.

The ocean is my world. My universe. It is deep indeed. And blue. And cold. The waves are turbulent. The current dangerous. The water may be still sometimes, but that does not mean that it's peaceful down here. I should know. This is my ocean.

And I am a fish...swimming alone.